The other day I was at the mall and stopped
to let my daughter play in the children’s area for a while. I was surprised at
the number of teen mothers I saw playing in there with their babies. I was
proud of them for choosing to give that child life yet I was struck with
sadness that they were missing out on things that were essential not only for
their own growth but for the well- being of their child. This is true for any
young woman of any age that finds herself pregnant and alone. I wondered why
these girls chose to parent over adoption and wondered if there is really that
much education about the benefits of adoption.
When my daughter was first placed in my arms
I imagined a life of constant laughter, sweet kisses and hugs, dressing her up,
having an instant friend that loved me unconditionally, fun play dates at the
park, and cute pictures and crafts that covered my fridge. Everyone around me
was so excited for my new life and all the joys it would bring. I was so
excited for all of these moments. And I’ve had them and each memory is
cherished and loved and I look forward to creating more of them. But what
people seem to fail to mention was the sleepless nights, endless poopy diapers,
what to do when the crying never seemed to stop, and as they grow older, still
sleepless nights, new messes of toys, picky eaters, the constant demand of my
attention, no privacy in the bathroom, and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to
sit and enjoy a meal without having to get up 10 times to get one more thing
demanded by a sweet 3 year old. Even as I write this I am having things placed
on my head and being barraged with questions, and demanded that I come and get
breakfast for her RIGHT now!
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a
mother, but there is no way I could do this without the help of her dad, one
amazing husband. With his help in raising our vibrant and beautiful daughter I
have still been able to get some me time, continue my education and pursue my
music career. Without him I would not be able to function as the loving mother
my daughter needs me to be. I would not be able to still be me! Every woman and
mother deserves that. Every mother needs a break, a time to rejuvenate, and
pursue their hobbies and passion that allows them to continue their own growth and
development. It’s not selfish, it’s essential! I am a better wife and mother
because I am able to take this time and despite the daily demands still feel
like a sexy, vibrant, beautiful girl. Not only do I deserve this, but so does
my daughter, in fact it is essential to her well-being. Her happiness is
increased by the security of the home we offer, both of us being able to give
her love and meet the demands of a growing child. Now I recognize that this is
not always possible and I honor and respect those single parents out there. I
honestly don’t know how they do it.
I’m
not about condemning or judging those who have chosen to parent or even those
that chose abortion. For me it’s about creating the awareness of the positives
of adoption for those currently still making the decision. Helping them to make
an educated decision what is right for their life and their baby. My hope is
that by listening to my song A Better
Plan people will truly come to understand that adoption really is about
love; A truly heroic act. And that while
the pain of giving up your child for adoption is heart wrenching and
excruciating in the moment, there is great healing in the selfless act of
giving your child to a loving couple that can give your baby more than you can
at this given moment in your life. And though abortion may appear to solve the
perceived immediate problem providing instant relief, it brings with it a
burden you alone carry for the rest of your life.
Curtis J Young of the Family Research Council says, “Rarely does an unmarried pregnant woman stop to consider the tremendous cost and responsibility of choosing single motherhood. Successful child-rearing, while greatly rewarding, is also very demanding, even for two-parent families. It requires a great deal of time, self-sacrifice and financial expense.” In her book For the Love of a Child, social worker Monica L. Blume points out, “Almost every birth mother I have ever seen who is choosing to single parent believes she will be one of the very few who beat the odds.” Many of these unwed mothers count on the father remaining fully involved or on having their own father help raise the child. And many single mothers hope to eventually get married. Unfortunately, such hopes are not often realized. And many unwed mothers find that single parenthood is much more challenging than they expected. Studies have shown that single mothers have higher rates of illness, have less social involvement, and, if they are teenagers, are less likely to eventually marry than those who place their babies for adoption.”
Some may view placing a child for adoption as
“abandoning” that child. But adoption is not abandoning your
responsibility. It’s taking more responsibility. It is truly
taking care of your own, because you’re saying, ‘I can’t give this child what
he or she needs, but someone else can.’
To echo Curtis Young,
“Adoption is not a breaking of trust but a keeping of faith, not an
abdication of responsibility but an act of redemption, not the abandonment of a
baby but an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake.” As I wrote in the song A
Better Plan, ‘Sometimes love comes at a cost we don’t understand, and you have
to trust someway, somehow, it’s part of a better plan.’
Taking this song to 1 million Listeners
I’m new here, and I can see how much you love being a mom and how much respect you have for birth mothers.
ReplyDeleteI’m an adoptive mom, too, and I remember how overwhelming those early weeks/months/years were. Parenting is relentless! I was not prepared for that part (can anyone be?).
I am wondering, though, in the Curtis Young quote, what a woman in an unplanned pregnancy needs redemption from? And does placing her baby with others cancel the sin that caused the need for redemption?
I’m asking because there’s a scene in the recent film “Philomena” where a nun makes clear that surrendering a baby wasn’t simply a practical matter of finding a stable home for the baby. It was also about punishing a young woman for a sin. Surrender and separation were SUPPOSED to hurt because pain was part of the redemption.
I wonder: with quotes like this are we using the same thinking today as we did then? And SHOULD we? Is that a lot to lay on a baby? Not to mention a young woman?
I’m listening to your song now. Beautiful.